A Year Flies by

Where do I begin. One year can fly by in just a couple of days. It’s quit scary sometimes… It’s been six months since I’ve been away from home, but most importantly, it’s been a year since I had to say my real goodbye. He is always in my heart, every minute of every day. Sometimes I look up in the sky and like to imagine that he’s watching me. Every time I accomplish something, I can feel his hand on my shoulder and a whisper of ‘you’ve done great’. It’s been a year since I had to let go of my grandfather, Grandpapie. Not only was he my grandfather but he was my godfather too. I have so many memories of him when I was a child. How he would be there to help me finish my meal by saying “oh well if you’re not going to eat it”. The way he was always in charge of cutting the carrots when Grandmamie was making her famous steak. The way he used to take me to places and teach me all about them.

Or how he always talked so passionately about history. When we would go for a walk, he would always gently lean on my shoulders while telling a story. He loved feeding the dogs in the family and he would always cheer us up with a nice song on the piano. He also loved his morning news on the radio and his good cup of coffee. And as a grandfather, he had this one goal for his grandchildren… to teach them something small, every day.

So that’s what I did. Every day I reflect on what life brought me, about what it thought me. And while doing that I can see him smiling. I cannot believe it’s been a year. Travelling to the other side of the world makes you think about a lot. It makes you reflect on what you’ve been through, what you would like to go through and at what point you are now. I feel that being here gives me time for the small things that we push back every day. Those small thoughts, feelings and worries that we tell ourselves not to feel. But being here there’s room for them to finally come out. And so was that feeling of grief. I’ve been doing a lot of walks around and every time I reached the top of a mountain or rest at the side of a beautiful river, I think about him and I look around. Just to find that one perfect stone that will represent his presence.

I put the stones down in a pile with the perfect one on top. People say­ that the crossed ones will live forever inside your heart. But I want him to live forever on every place on earth I’ll discover. It’s my way of saying: “look grandpa, I’m here now, on the other side of the world… all because of you.” I think the most meaningful one was on the Tongariro crossing, together with my dad. That day me and my father accomplished something. Not only did we walk the bloody 19.5 km in cold snowy mountains… But we also took a moment. A moment to worship the man who gave us the chance to live, and to live with such a beautiful mindset. We found that one stone that made the pile complete and it made me feel complete, complete with my father at the top of that mountain. Dear Grandpapie, I think you did not always feel this way, but you were such a beautiful person. It did not always come through, but you were full of life and joy. You knew what was really important and that’s family. You are the reason me, my sister, my dad, my aunts, my uncles and my cousins grew up knowing the real meaning of life. It’s full of gratitude, enjoyment, love for yourself and the other. You always knew that, sometimes you just forgot the most important one… the love for yourself.

You thought you might have failed in being a good godfather, but you were the best one I could ever wish for. I can see you sometimes, you know. I can see and feel your love, happiness… even your craziness! I can see them all in my dad, he looks like you. His heart is as big as yours. I should just slap him in the face sometimes, because he makes the same mistake of forgetting to love himself. But please Grandpapie, don’t think you haven’t shown enough of your love… because Grandmamie is living proof of that. We all live our lives, we all have our routines but we also think about you all the time. You’re not gone and you never will. Although you’re always in my mind, today was a special day. And that’s why I dedicated a flower to you that I released in lake of Te Anau. Because even here, on the other side of the world, you’re still by my side.